This is going to be a long one, but gives me great perspective on my life over the last year.
Between medical issues (resulting in depression and suicidal ideation), love, loss, past trauma resurfacing and a horrible accident that totally derailed my bodybuilding and fitness career, you can say life has thrown me a total fuckery of a curveball. I will take full accountability for the head issues and depression. I could have been an adult and went to the Dr. and addressed it, but I didn't due to stupid alpha male pride. That stupid pride almost cost me my life, literally. Because it set in motion a chain of events that leave me where I am today. But maybe it was also a blessing? It can be amazing sometimes how life kicks you in the balls, but it helps you stand up, plant your feet and come back stronger.
The "spectacular finish" was when I destroyed my right leg. Like to the point it was not only surgically repaired/reconstructed, but will leave me with a slight limp the rest of my life. As a bodybuilder, that is horrible because how we are suppose to look (not only on stage, but in life period). It's a weird dynamic and body dysmorphia that some will understand, and some won't. But again, Its starting to look like a damn blessing. I say that because as I was recovering, I started analyzing some things, addressing some hardcore shit and coming to some realizations I never thought I would have to. When all you can do is lay there, sit around and think, it can take you to some serious dark places, but can also give you a deep sense of clarity. So when I was finally able to train upper body again, at first I thought "I'll just fuck around because there is no way I can seriously train". Man was I so wrong!
I scrapped a lot of what I was thinking was important, and started feeling everything more. Think about it, bodybuilding isn't about moving the weight, its all about feeling the weight, and its connection. With that one switch of perspective, I not only went to a more enlightened place, but I was able to attack that shit with a deeper sense of primal instinct. Since doing that, I then applied it to other things. Love, loss, trauma, all of it. By feeling it first, I could then understand what I was feeling, give it an identity, own the shit and then figure out how to either deal with it, or cut it the fuck loose. If you think about it, that is connection and progression. Not always "linear" per say, but an important part of growing. A good way to think about it is a bench press. You get to a certain spot, you plateau, then you look at what's needed to change to resume progression. Hell you can apply that to love, relationships and loss. Love is that thing that grows, manifests and blossoms a great feeling/connection or pump until a point it where stalls or stops (for whatever reasoning behind it). You then either fix it, change it, or it goes away. You can either let it crush you (which I did), or feel the shit and then find a way to progress forward by leaving the bad of it behind. Like struggling under a barbell. You either let it crush you, or you feel the weight, figure it out and make your next move to resume progression.
As much as some of the shit still crushes my soul and hurts, but it'll be ok (BIBOK). Will I always have a limp, yup. But now, when I work with clients, I have a deeper connection with them, and a deeper sense of empathy and compassion. Am I still sad about loss, yup. But its par the course and I'll just feel it then pass that shit to the side and come out better, hopefully.
Not exactly ground breaking shit. But I did "relearn" it the best way I know how...as a meathead doing what he loves, chasing that pump!
See you in the gym!
#BIBOK